Here’s to hoping your night is exciting as this guy’s/ Photo courtesy of @obbrasky

It’s Thursday. It’s a typical Houston night. The sun set hours ago, but it’s still blazing hot, and you’re sweating like a pig in the triple digit humidity. You’re packed in like sardines on some make shift bleachers. You’re jumping up and down like you have ants in your pants. Your neighbors sweat becomes yours as you push your way to the front like an eager beaver. Your spilled beer becomes a mere sacrificial lamb as your blood is pumps and heart races faster than a…turtle.

More exhilarating and life changing that you would expect, Turtle Racing Season 7 is here. And Little Woodrow’s in Midtown does it right every Thursday night. Here’s what ya need to know before you go.

1. Parking sucks. Arrive well before 9 if you want close street parking or paid lot parking. Arriving anytime after 9pm, your next best bets are sneaking off a few blocks away into the neighborhoods. Or the Post Midtown Square Apartment garage on Bagby for $3.
2. Cops will ticket and towers will tow. Check the signs. But like really. Check them and double check them. If you’re parked after 9pm on a resident street, expect a fat $75 ticket on your windshield at 9:02pm and your car to be towed at 9:03pm. Also don’t park within 20 feet of a cross walk. It’s apparently a law somewhere out there in the world, and you will get fined for it.
3. There are 3 rounds of racing. Races begin more-or-less around 9pm, 10pm, and 11pm. So like don’t arrive fashionably late because you will miss ish.
4. Betting is free. Before each round you line up and get a playing card with the number for your turtle of choice. It costs you nothing to get the card, but you could get a free drink/koozie out of it. It’s the perfect win-win situation.
5. Not all turtles are created equal. With names like Minnie Squirtle, Mustache Ride and Golden Balls how could they be? I’d tell you what numbers are winners…but then I’d like have to kill ya.
6. James Franco for the yolo. Historically, James Franco the turtle rarely moves two inches off the turtle pedestal but like if ya feeling crazy go for Turtle#10 because you never know what he (or the Turtle MC) has up his sleeve–er shell.
7. Winners get free shit. If your turtle wins enough times during the round, you get a free drink or koozie. And remember betting is free, so you literally have nothing to lose.
8. Bucket babes get even more free shit. If you’re cute/slutty/drunk enough to get the MCs attention and smart/sober enough to have a turtle card for the correct round, you might be bestowed the coveted opportunity to lift up the turtle bucket that starts the race. You get drink tickets, a special pink koozie, and a bunch of dudes snap chatting your ass. Note: This is a chick only position. There are no Bucket Bros for hire. Also if you’re over 5’8″you can’t bend your knees as you bend over to pick up the bucket. So there’s that…#progressive
9. Just because it’s free doesn’t mean you have to drink it. Cinnamon tequila? Spiced jager? Sometimes the sponsored liquor of the night is, uh, special. And sometimes it’s best to just give that ticket away and spare your liver the damage.
10. You can save the drink tickets till next week. Win every round on Cilantro Cherry Tequila night and would rather not spend your entire Friday cursing bright lights and loud noises and  resisting the urge nap under your desk? Just save your tickets till next week. But just remember you can only use them after the first round finishes.

Bonus: The Turtle Staff is effing awesome.

Photo Courtesy of @m_to_the_lo