It’s like day two and they are already jet setting. Where to? To stay in Times Square in NYC where they go on a date in a deserted Met (stahp), copter around the Statue of Liberty (shut the front door) then they dance on Broadway and touch the new years eve ball. WHAT. Thousands of NYC tourists were just like, “What that wasn’t in the guidebook?!”
I’ve never wanted to be on The Bachelorette more. Can I just stowaway? I don’t need camera time, I’m not Nick, cough Spencer Pratt cough. These dates were way too cool. Well… the second and third were cool. Poor first date guys really got a sucky one: Rapping with Doug E. Fresh? Poor ABC spent too much on the Times Square hotel the Knickerbocker. Yes, I know the name of the hotel they stayed at because I heard it 4oo effing times.
All the illusions of subtlety are gone. All I see are product placements. ABC’s like, “Everyone’s hate watching anyways, may as well make some cash.”
Probable, definite endorsement deals made by this season of The Bachelorette:
-
The Knickerbocker, obvi. This hotel is definitely owned by Robert Durst, right? They are suffering from the worst PR nightmare and their marketing team was like, “hmm how do we distance ourselves from our serial killer owner black sheep? LET’S GO ON THE BACHELORETTE. Because there’s nothing creepy about men fighting over women. Nothing wrong could happen.”
-
Scarves. Man scarves are in……… I guess? Wool, plaid, sleek—the Bachelors will wear them all.
-
Also in male fashion: popped collars. Did Doug E. Fresh bring back some nostalgia or something? These bros are popping all the collars. Puffy Jacket? Popped. Sweet blazer? Snap, crackle and POPped. Cable net sweater? Popped like the champagne that’s in their man-mosas. I just can’t.
-
Can we also just talk about how there’s more gel/grease on the heads of these men than there is in most teenage boys’ bathrooms. I’m not sure when the “I just made cookies then touched my hair without washing my hands” look came back into style, but… nope it def did not. Poor Kaitlyn probs has the oiliest skin rn.
-
Brokeback Mountain. This movie is way too old to still be relevant. Jake Gyllenhaal definitely paid ABC to reference the hell out of this movie so that *maybe* someone buys a DVD or like streams it on Netflix.
-
Gum and breath mints. Kaitlyn is making out with a LOT of dudes and even these dudes are getting all up in each other’s personal space. Orbit better be making a KILLING on this ish.
-
Canada. Swear, everytime Kaitlyn says “about” she earns like $100 bucks. She says it A LOT. She’d better be getting paid, eh?
-
The bleep button and the blur thing. I literally cannot understand some of these convos that get heated. Someone is mad at someone else for doing something bleep-worthy to someone’s bleep. I give up. Can, like, Chris Harrison do a voiceover to provide a primetime-appropriate word. Like, Clint says, “Don’t BLEEPing get BLEEPing in my face right now. I ain’t BLEEPing with you BLEEP right now.” And you hear Chris H, say “freak” and “jerk” over it. I’d enjoy that.
-
Ashley Salter’s hair salon. How normal is this chick? I want her to do my hair and be my bestie and tell me who to date. She’s so wise. She was the normal one all along.
hahah no way… never mind.
Twitter Hall of Fame
Everyone so damn caught up in the Nick drama no one is talking about RETURN OF THE SCARVES!! #TheBachelorette
— Robert Mills (@Millsy11374) June 9, 2015
I see you, @kaitlynbristowe, doing the Dougie. Not bad! Let's work on your rapping & maybe we can take our show on the rd. @BacheloretteABC
— Doug E. Fresh (@RealDougEFresh) June 9, 2015
An over-animated dentist who goes by cupcake is my worst nightmare #bachelorette
— Jaclyn Swartz (@JaclynSwartz) June 9, 2015
Kaitlyn takes the guys to the Aladdin musical. Somewhere Kardashley is steaming in a princess Jasmine dress eating corn #TheBachelorette
— Possessionista (@Possessionista) June 9, 2015
https://twitter.com/laurenwcoffman/status/608088306308530176
We are all JJ's face. #bachelorette pic.twitter.com/ILqryW35Ix
— Andrea Lavinthal (@andilavs) June 9, 2015