The Bachelor: Ben Goes Mad… Libs (Week 3)

We found out Jubilee is obsessed with hot dogs (wink, wink; nudge, nudge), Olivia has cankles and Shushanna knows English, but meanwhile we were getting drunk while watching the third episode of Ben the Bachelor.

Lauren B. got the first one-on-one date and so know I officially know who she is: boring. JK. But she was weirdly scared of the tiny plane (ahem, she’s a flight attendant and wants to get her pilots license, so only in girl logic does she make sense). Then Ben makes her undress behind a tree, which was weird, then they hot tub it up with no alcohol. There were champagne glasses there, but they were empty. That is a sin, and I am offended.

The group date involved sports, so obviously there was unnecessary Spandex. And, duh, the losers were sent back to the Bachelor mansion. Seriously, 20 seasons and you didn’t see that coming? This was the date where Olivia was all weird on the balcony, but turns out, it wasn’t that dramatic. But update: everyone still hates her (and her body from knees to toes, knees to toes).

Jubilee gets the second one-on-one, but made a joke about not wanting it because it involved a helicopter. (Pause: Jubilee went to war, right? So like, choppers are an army thing, right? Confused by her fear as well as Lauren B’s… Literally both Lauren B and Jub were perfectly equipped to handle a plane/helicopter ride considering their professions. GET IT TOGETHER GIRLS.) The date was pretty awkward… she spit out some sort of food and told Ben that she’s “not playing, white boy.” Ben turned a bright fuchsia color, and Jub thought it was hot. Then shit got real at dinner when Jub told Ben her whole family is dead (?!?!?!) and Ben literally had nothing to say to that, because what do you even say to that??!?! “I’m sorry, have this flower signifying my love for you that you don’t make me sick and you’re ok to live her another week.” Then Ben tells Jub basically that “you’ve been through a lot of shit. I find that refreshing.”

The rose ceremony was absolute madness. Amber tries to throw down with Jub, who won’t have it and then cries and Ben comes in to save the day. AWKWARD. Then Lace sees a rose is not coming her way and she already drank all the white wine, so she bounces to work on herself, but she’s still NOT CRAZY. Good riddance, fabric. Non-Amber (Jami) and Shushanna also go home, so I guess a Russian Roulette version of a rose ceremony is off the table. Damn.

“There’s a tree… wanna go change behind it?”

One of the Laurens (of the like  __NUMBER__ on the show) got the first date this week. Ben took her in a tiny yellow  __NOUN__ and they did some flips and shit in air. Thankfully, Lauren B. didn’t eat much  __TYPE of FOOD__ before and didn’t regurgitate it on Ben’s __PART of the BODY__. Instead, they  __ADVERB__ kissed with the weird mics.

Then, Ben made her change behind a __NOUN__ and they got into a Jacuzzi. Sadly, they did not have any __LIQUID__ in their glasses, but they still seemed to have an OK time. Then they go into the barn and listen to some band, I think they are called The __PLURAL NOUN__. They dance and then Ben probably makes Lauren walk home bc he forgot to put more __LIQUID__ in the plane.

GOOOOOAAALLLLLLLL

The girls donned their __ADJECTIVE__ Spandex and played some sportsball. They made the two teams stars and stripes, which is as American as __NOUN__ in __NOUN__. Spoiler: Chris H. comes out and says, “__GREETING__, Bitches. Losers go home.”

So the winners go on to the date, but the losers go home __VERB ENDING in ING__. The rest of the date is the girls complaining about Olivia’s __PART of the BODY__. Then Olivia complaining about her  __PART of the BODY__.

“I’m not playing, white boy.”

Jubilee, some how, got the second one-on-one date. When she saw the __ADJECTIVE__ helicopter, she was like, “who wants this date?” And all the other __ADJECTIVE__girls were like “YASSSS.” From what I can see, Jub’s date was eating  __TYPE of FOOD__ and gaging it back up, playing __GAME__, making awkward jokes and going in the pool. Seems like a productive date. Then, Ben takes her to the most  __ADJECTIVE__ dinner, where Jub talks about her family… and how they died? Ben looked like he was trying to find the eject button back from the helicopter, but instead told her he found her story __VERB ENDING in ING__.