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The Bachelor Finale: The Things We Called (And the Thing We Didn’t)

This finale is literally the opposite of the “most dramatic episode of The Bachelor in history.” It, like Ben, was pretty safe, predictable, and, you know, normal. Ben reminded me of what I liked about The Bachelor when young Natalie first watched with her mom. It felt, I don’t know, chill. Bachelor and chill?

First of all, we had the most glorious spread for our final watch party. We had pizza pie, in honor of pi(e) day with $3 Favor deliveries (first Favor delivery is free with”ItsNotHou,” BTW). We had delicious cocktails from Tekeen. And we had bean chips from Beanitos to eat with salsa and guac. Basically, everything was in order for the final rose.

While we grubbed, we watched as Ben built the intrigue with his dates. First, Ben fawned all over Lauren in front of his parents, and then did the same thing with JoJo. Fine. All’s fair in Bachelor world. You can exaggerate your feelings a little on the girl you’re not sure about, but usually I can tell by who he tries to avoid eye contact with.

Guess what? He avoided eye contact with BOTH OF THEM. (Lace would have been so upset.)

Seriously, Ben forgot how to be an actual human on his last dates with them. He acted weird around BOTH of them, and it was then that I thought, “wait maybe I don’t know who he picks?”

False. I called most of it. Here’s what I called in the finale and why I knew I was right:

The JoJo exit.

JoJo was the first one out of the helicopter. Everyone knows if you’re first out, you’re so out. Like, how could you happily get engaged to the woman of your dreams and then breakup with someone? No way. Not a thing.

Plus, I’ll just say, I KNEW he was going to pick Lauren. The entire episode, I was just like, “Oh my gosh, he is going to break this girl’s heart, and then this Texas girl is going to break his face.”

The phone call.

This was the one that got me. In the previews, it looked so emotional of a call. But, I thought maybe it was going to be his mom or his dad. I actually didn’t think it would be HER dad. Major points, Ben. You’re so good.

His proposal.

Not a doubt in my mind did I think he wouldn’t propose. Come. On. He’s so DTW (down to wed). I think if they break up, the reason would be because Lauren is like 24 and freaking the f out about being so young and married.

The Bachelorette announcement.

I knew JoJo was going to be The Bachelorette about 4ish episodes ago. She is literally the only person I would have wanted to be picked. But this episode was really when I saw why she would be a PERFECT Bachelorette. First of all, she hot af. Second, she is so incredibly well spoken—well, Bachelor well spoken, so she uses all the phrases right. Finally, she seemed way too cool and calm in front of Ben. Her thoughts: “OK, fine bye. I’m about to have like 30 of you.”

The on-air “wedding.”

ABC jokes with this on-air wedding. NO way, with like 15 minutes left of the episode, were they going to marry those two. I mean, you don’t just need a pastor. You also need a marriage license 100%. The whole thing was so awkward. Obviously, neither wants to say “um NO” to suggesting they get married right here and now, however HELL NO do they want to get married on the season finale of The Bachelor. This isn’t Bachelor in Paradise.

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