(We’re Over) The Bachelorette: How to Throw a Bachelor in Paradise Premiere Party (Week 9)

Ahhh, what’s a better place for some great decisions than Phuket, Thailand. (Seriously, Bachelor people? You’re in on the joke.)

SURPRISE, SURPRISE. JoJo picked Jordan. Hint: Here’s how to predict the runner up.

• The producers make it look maybe, MAYBE the loser has a chance (ahem, JoJo’s family loving Robby and Robby planning out their life full of love and burnt meatloaf).
• The loser 100% walks out of the limo/black SUV first.

That’s literally it. That’s how to pick the loser. Despite ALLLLLLLL the doubts that JoJo had, JoJor lives on.

Anyways, we’re on to the next thing: Which is Bachelor in Paradise. Praise. Another sh*tshow to waste my time with. Can’t wait for the drunk mess of a bunch of hot people finding “love” or whatever.

If you’re excited as we are, you’ll wanna throw a party. Here’s how to do it.

The food:

In honor of Chad, place lunch meats out for your guests to enjoy. Also put out slices of lettuce, but not for wraps or sandwiches. NO CARBS. Raw sweet potatoes also make great snacks! Don’t bother slicing it up, and encourage your friends to just start chomping.

If you want to really over achieve, does anyone want some pomegranate/onions?

Also, boil some corn and eat it while crying. Have some chicken nuggets in honor of the twins.

Forget utensils. No need for plates. In fact, if we were REALLY going on theme of Bachelor things, don’t even bother with food.

The decorations:

Go for a tropical theme. Go to Lowes and buy 100 lbs. of sand and turn your living room to a beach. Bonus if you want to smoke a few cigarettes and bury the buds for a really authentic beach look.

Set up a tiki bar! Employ a hispanic man and call him Jorge. Ask him to make you shots and try not to let you eat.

Costumes:

Per theme, encourage your guests to come dressed to theme. Bathing suits, Kendra Scott, hoodies, V-neck shirts are all acceptable. For make-up, you know, going the extra mile, put on tons of waterproof make-up and look stunning even while crying. Also, buy some red paint and blot each of your guests’ forehead, nose and cheeks as they walk in. BIP people always have horrible sunburns (side note, Bachelor PLEASE get a sunscreen sponsor). OR, insect repellant? HELLO, Zika?! But apparently, BIP doesn’t super care about your skin or what disease(s) you might acquire while on set.

Put flowers in people’s hair I guess too. That’s tropical and cute.

The drinks:

Wine. No water. Just go ahead and have your apartment complex turn your taps off. More realistic. Only have liquor and wine. Sangria makes a great beach cocktail, but definitely add like 6 types of liquor into it. Bonus points for coconut glasses or umbrellas.

The BIP season 3 drinking game: Spend the whole season as drunk as the contestants

• Drink every time Chad Chads. You know, like eating meat or raw veggies, threatening someone physically.
• Drink every time someone says they have a “crush” or are attracted to someone.
• Drink every time there’s a date card. Drink twice if there’s a date card pun.
• Drink every time someone cries. Drink twice for Ashley Cry and the twins.

• Drink every time people make out.
• Drink every time there are swimsuits.

Dang, y’all are gonna need a bigger bottle of chardoney.