I had never seen a Cirque du Soleil show before, and now I can’t imagine how I lived life without the magic of it. Dramatic sounding, I’m sure, but JUST WOW. I have never seen such an impressive group of individuals, and, well, circus freaks. I mean that in the most loving way possible. Actually, y’all, I think the closest I’ve come to seeing something like this is Acrocats — while impressive still, not exactly the same thing.

The most recent show, Kurios, is here in Houston until May 21 at the Sam Houston Race Park. Tickets start at $35 (and there’s literally no bad seat in the small tent). Parking is $12, btw, and I’d recommend going early to have some snacks (and wine) and meet some super tall people (on stilts, I think/hope).

I had  a lot some thoughts had during the Cirque du Soleil acts. Watch this trailer and then, well, here’s my stream of consciousness throughout the show. (PS. I didn’t take pictures because I’m a rule follower, but sprinkled in are some shots from the video, press photos and instagram).

Juggler meets drummer meets girl

A drummer vs. a juggler for a girl’s attention, then everyone just jams together post game of cat and mouse.

OK, great song, but dang there’s a lot to watch.

Juggler is cute. (Is this the first time someone has ever thought that a juggler is cute? lol) I’ll watch him.

OK, my brother juggled in high school, this is not that impressive.

Holy crap he just juggled while in a harness while LITERALLY FLYING. Drummer is looking kind of dumb now. Juggler should get the girl (DEFINITELY the first time someone has said THAT!)

Oh, ok they are all friends now, cool.

Wait who is this tiny lady? She’s like REALLY small. And she’s speaking french. So many questions, and I think the answers are in French, and, even though I fooled some locals in Paris, I do not speak any French. At all.

All I got was “bon voyage.”

Bed aerobics?

Man flips woman over and over what looks like a big bed. 

The sexual tension between this couple is PALPABLE.

So basically, this dude is going to stand on this platform, legs spread, and flip this tiny girl over and over again between his legs and out over this thing that looks like a bed? K cool. Normal Thursday night.

So, yes, this is a lot of flips and I am v impressed. It’s all so smooth and consistent, and sometimes that’s more impressive than a big finale.

Oh, ok, cool, there’s no real big finale.

Bicycler flyer

Casual bike ride turns into gracefully flying and flipping over the crowd.

Girl on a bike? How exactly is THIS going to get Cirq freaky.

Oh cool, she is flying over the crowed in her lil bike.

She does a lot of bending and stretching over the bike that should NOT be possible.

She is flirting a LOT with a clown dude on the ground. He’s kind of staring at her. A lot. Creep.

Girls should not ride bikes in front of creepy lurking dudes.

Tiny lady is back. Still confused.

Invisible circus

Complete with lion, trapeze, diver, etc.

I can barely understand what this tiny Italian (French?) dude is saying, but there’s a bunch of tiny circus stuff on stage now.

Oh it’s an invisible tiny circus. I can’t believe this is what technology has brought us: fake noises and remote-controlled moving things that look like an invisible acrobat is trapezing around.

Bendy-boned ladies

Female contortionists prove they have no bones but lots of muscles.

Ewww this creepy metal hand with a plant on top is coming out.

NOT A PLANT. Those were body parts (arms maybe?) of some v flexible contortionists.

Literally making a human tower, except instead of on their hands and knees, they are all belly up, bend over backwards.

I’ve actually lost track of which body parts belong to which human.

A contortionist literally stood up, legs straight, from a split and the entire audience audibly gasped.

One of these girls played the girl from the ring, swear.

Chair-way to heaven

https://www.instagram.com/p/BSuR406l-GJ/?taken-at=237471900

Dinner party guest decides to rescue rising chair by stacking chairs. 

Buncha freaky randos gathered around a table… v Alice in Wonderland.

There’s a chandelier over the table. Bet someone swings from it.

Holy crap it just flew upward.

Hey… there’s an upside-down table at the top of this circus tent… it almost mirrors the below it.

Oh, duh, the only way to get fixture is to stack a bunch of chairs. Here’s a thought: Maybe have a ceiling next dinner gathering.

45 chairs later: We get it, you can climb.

I am so disappointed no one swung from the chandelier. Sia would be so pissed.

Balancing act

Man balances on glass bar balancing on a ball ( among other things).

This one, like the last one, is going to half to earn my incredulity.

OK, so he has this glass board and he is balancing on a glass ball. Impressive, but it’s basically skateboarding.

Wait, now he is balancing on a glass tube stacked on another glass tube…. WHILE ON A BIG SWING. Fine, I’m impressed, you can stop now.

Somewhere around the time he balanced on like 8 tubes, I had to look away. HOW.

Intermission

Jeez, my heart is racing (because I just watched a dude balancing on like six levels of tubes ON A RISING PLATFORM that went up to the top of the tent), but be cool and race to the bathroom. Since it’s a temporary circus tent, restrooms are glorified port-o-potties and the lines are LONG. Pro-tip: Pass the first section. Everyone rushed to get in line there, and the farther away ones had shorter lines.

Gosh, these costumes are just amazing in this show. I’m so impressed.

Now: Need booze to get through the other half of the show.

Fly fishing

Huge trampoline with a bunch of dudes dressed like fish bouncing and flipping so flipping much.

OK, now this nautical nonsense looks fun.

So, like, these 6 or so dudes are all bouncing on a massive trampoline-esque net but by all jumping together at one time, the last dude to jump goes SUPER high. This is some physics shit that is way over my head but SO COOL.

Wow so one dude flew so high he is now on a trapeze. #circus

I cannot get over how fun this looks. I want a turn!

Awkward date

Goofy dude takes woman from audience and does animal impressions.

Ah yes, audience participation. Silent circus dude is back and he has a v scared-looking friend.

CRINGING. They are in a living room-type thing and he is, as my mother might say, “putting the moves on her.” Without talking.

Oh, now he’s a dinosaur. I mean it’s a good dinosaur impression, but WHY THO.

Now he’s a cat. He licked himself and I think he’s.. yep he’s coughing up a hairball. Face officially hurts from cringing.

Twinning

Two dudes, one upper-body intensive act.

These two guys swing out of nowhere and, completely attached at the hip, start flying everywhere.

Oh dang, they separated now and each are holding on to a ribbon thing with just one arm.

These dudes do NOT skip arm day.

Ouch, shoulders are NOT supposed to bend that way. — My roommate who is a physical therapist. Also, all of us!!

I like their Aladdin pants and I want them.

Mental note to do push ups when I get home. (Spoiler: I did not.)

Yo, yo-yo

Dude yo-yos.

Alright, this is my least favorite act. Yo-yos are not impressive. Literally never.

OH WHAT YOU HAVE TWO YO-YOS NOW! THE INSANITY.

Ok, so your yo-yos light up. So what. Who cares.

Literally the most impressive thing that happened was he yo-yoed with two yo-yos while on a swinging platform. TBT to when a guy JUGGLED and then another guy balanced on tubes while on the same swinging platform. Yo-yoing just pales in comparison.

Give me a hand

Movie hand dance.

How do I even explain this. A white balloon drops down and inflates. A person with a camera comes out and a projector turns on. Then a man dressed in all black starts…….. with the hand puppetry. Wait, what?

Oh wait I love this.

His hands are dancing! This is so cute! (There are probs and costumes and fun music)

This guy is good with his hands (giggity, giggity).

Yay more audience participation! The hand is now dancing on a stranger’s head.

Stack ’em high

Two tiny women and 6 men of varying sizes stack and jump all around.

These people are wearing old fashioned swim costumes, and they look comfy af.

Ah, yes. These tricks are v reminiscent of cheerleading moves. BUT NEXT LEVEL.

Did… did I just watch these tiny ladies jump around on these men’s hands? I think I just did. It’s like their clasped arms were little trampolines.

If this isn’t a grand finale, I don’t know what is: These guys are stacked (feet to shoulder) FOUR MEN HIGH. Man standing on the shoulders of a man standing on another set of shoulders of a man who is standing on the ground. Is that four? There are four men. HOW.

Holy cannoli. Sanding ovation. Take my money. Take it all, Kurios.