Ahhhh, Houstonians. How much I love you. Your diversity. Your passion of the sometimes awful sports teams. Your love for food and culture. Your overall pride for our great city.

But, I HATE your driving. And, I got to spend an entire blissful summer away from you crazies (though, I did have to deal with slow-walking tourists and smelly subways in NYC). But it turns out, you’re all still here. Ick.

We have about ten major highways and tollways and about 2 million people scrambling around on them. Why oh why can’t we figure out how to coexist without traffic, accidents and road rage. In an effort of a PSA, let me take a stab at explaining how NOT to drive in Houston. Heed my word, and Houston will be a better place. Shall we?

DON’T drive under the speed limit. Pretty much ever. Just don’t.

Especially don’t drive 15 mph under the speed limit on the highway. Even in the right lane, you’re a day ruiner. We have a place for you people: hell the feeder (but I bet you’re the type of person to go even slower there).

DON’T forget your turn signal.

That’s God’s gift to driving. It’s a magical, universal sign for “I’m moving this way and I’m doing it now.” SO USE IT. I know it’s your world and we are all just living in it, but please do us commoners the courtesy of knowing when to speed up to cut you off expect you in our lane.

DON’T drive with your phone glued to your hand.

We’re all guilty of the occasional song change or inadvertent phone check, but I literally counted each person I passed on my way to work who was texting or talking on the phone. I counted more than 12 people. WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH YOUR LIVES. Get it together. Stop being irresponsible, because while I cursed you as I passed by… MY attention was diverted and it’s ALL YOUR FAULT.

STOP pretending like you’re in Fast and Furious. You’re not.

There’s always that car zipping and zagging through slowpokes (aka people driving the speed limit) and then another dunce seeing their stupidity as “bravery” or something and following pace. Obviously, these people are overcompensating for something and aren’t satisfied with their life.

DON’T use your hazards while it’s raining.

WE GET IT. WEATHER IS HAPPENING. You are in as much duress as I am and the other 15 cars in our area driving slowly, windshield wipers wiping furiously. So don’t make this all about you, and save the hazards for a flat tire or a stall. Besides, if you have your hazards on, how do I know if you’re lane changing. BOOM. Now, stop it.

 DON’T rubberneck. (Unless there’s blood).

OK, I’m not even joking about that last part. JK, I am. But no seriously, I’m kidding. Or, AM I?! Houston has a HUGE rubbernecking problem. If only everyone else was as selfish as I am. Stop being curious, people. Let’s just focus on us, mmkay?

If all else fails, let your friend drive. They are probably better than you.