Week two of Ben Higgins’ season was much like week two of everyone else’s: Girls claiming to be the bachelor’s wife after less than 48 hours of knowing him, women bitching about other women, the bachelor being absolutely oblivious to everything and just kissing everything with lips, etc.

The first group date girls went back to high school—obviously where Ben peaked, since he has now mentioned it like 4 times. We get it, you were hot stuff in Warsaw, Indiana. Congratulations, you beat out all 12 contenders. The girls had to place Indiana on a map, and honestly that’s pretty hard. When will there be another Bachelor from Texas? Can we play that game then? Then we see who the REAL dummies are.

The next date was a 1-on-1 for Caila (someone’s team got 5 points), and bonus points, it’s with Kevin Hart and Ice Cube. Woof. Caila got ripped off date wise, but she did get to see Kevin Hart in a hot tub, sans a swimsuit, so at least she has a story to tell there.

Next up on the date schedule, Olivia comes on strong, right on cue. In what is definitely a Bachelor franchise low, the girls do science things, Ben smells their pits, and the world spins backwards a little.  I don’t know what’s more shocking, that a love lab is being used on The Bachelor, or that Ben took it seriously (coincidence that Ben unmatched with girl with the lowest score? I think not). “Hi, sorry Sam. You have to go, because science told me so. Also you smell, byeeeee.”

In the end, Ben told Mandy (flower-headed dentist),  Jackie (no forehead), and Samantha (sour-smelling blonde) smell you later, but only after LB packed up her small suitcase full of whatever pride/anonymity she had left (zero) and said “JK, NVM. LOLOL” to Ben first. That’s -20 points, guys. Ouch.

All this fun and games (plus threeish bottles of wine) reminded me that The Bachelor makes the BEST drinking game, and since last year’s one is irrelevant, I should make a new one.

Drink every time…

The twins remind you of the girls from The Shining (aka dress or do something alike).  Can we have that 2-on-1 already. I’m legitimately confused by them, and I’m starting to think ABC is Parent Trapping us. There is actually only one, and she is Lindsey Lohan.

Lace get’s bleeped. What the actual [bleep] is this [bleep] saying. It’s like Jerry Springer up in here, but more dramatic. Can we get an uncut version? This is 2016.

Amanda cries about her children. Apparently girls brought pictures of their dogs to the show, and Amanda has none of the children she pushed through her vaginal canal. Something is off, or my theory is right and dog people are actually way too much.

The girls bitch about another girl. Bonus drink if it’s about Lace or Olivia. It wouldn’t be The Bachelor if there wasn’t a little bit of slut shaming and cat fighting. Also, bonus drink if someone goes to “confront” someone else.

Drink every time you don’t know someone’s name and assume it’s Lauren. “Who is this one?” “IDK, so probably a Lauren.”

Someone spies Kendra Scott jewelry. You know you made it as a designer when a bunch of basic white girls wear your jewelry on a national dating show. Move over, Neil Lane. Kendra, do you do engagement rings?

Lace says “she’s not crazy.” The lady doth protest too much. Actually, just drink every time Lace says the word crazy. But, honestly.. does she need professional help? She refers to herself in the third person and talks about how the girl from night one isn’t her. Multiple personalities much? Maybe that’s why she drinks so much—she is drinking for three.

Shot every time…

Olivia makes the “O” face. An actual count of the ratio of Olivia’s camera time on The Bachelor is 55% normal, 45% letting flies in. This girl will never ever get another TV anchor job. Not with this footage out there. I bet Cameron Diaz is super pissed at me for making that comparison now. Sorry, C.

Ben is “unlovable.” I just keep imagining the producers pushing this thing he said offhand after he was broken up with on national television as his season’s mantra. Like, they keep highlighting his unlovable theme, and suddenly he believes it, hangs his head in sorrow and goes and stands in a corner. Poor little puppy Ben.

Jubilee threatens to kill someone. Seriously, can we check to make sure Lace is OK? She couldn’t make Ben’s volcano explode in science class, so she might turn up missing. And actually, Jubilee could probably legitimately murder Lace and get away with it. Next week, on Serial…

Chris Harrison dresses up and plays pretend for a date. Professor Harrison is creepy, and also inaccurate, because no one called teachers “professors” in high school.

Lace constructs some sort of run-on sentence. “Do you even know what you’re doing, because, like, I keep getting interrupted, like, I have no real time with him, and you don’t even know where we’re at, and I feel like this sentence should be over, but it isn’t, but I have committed to it, so I’m just going to keep going until the cameras are off, so, like, that’s never, so…” Lace was found dead 25 likes later. Jubilee has no alibi. Seriously, where are you, Sarah Koenig?

Finish your drink every time…

Ben cries. Hey, I honestly don’t think Ben is a big crier, but—according to previews— it happens, so fill er up.

Chris Soules comes back. Seriously?! Chris, did you lose the farm? Who is manning the plow? Why are you able to be in California so much? I think he secretly wants to pull a Becca/Amber and show up randomly.

Chris Harrison sais, “Ladies, Ben. This is the final rose this evening.” Yes, it happens every week, but let your wine-gulping noises be the drumroll of whose hearts get broken in 3… gulp…2… gulp…1!!!