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How To: Throw a Corny Bachelor Party

chris soules bachelor corny party

Do you know what January 5th is? It’s a national holiday. You thought you were done with those, didn’t you? All your nice party-going outfits are at the cleaners and your serving dishes are tucked away. Well, get ’em out again because The Bachelor is back and we’re throwing a party: A Very Corny Bachelor Premiere Party. And I’m gonna show you how.wine-and-judge

You might laugh at that title, like “Ha, I get it. Bachelor is corny lolz.” But this season the double entendre is a triple because the bachelor is a farmer from Iowa—aka he’s the king of corny. Clearly this calls for a themed party. Here are a few easy steps to throwing your own corny party (ps. follow my Pinterest board for other options and fun things).

Step 1: Have the brilliant idea to throw a watch party. Ideation is the first step to creation. Congrats! You’re no where near almost there!

Step 2: Create an extremely witty and clever—if you do say so yourself—Facebook event and invite all your friends (well, the ones who wouldn’t laugh in your face for inviting them to your home to watch a reality dating show). Mention wine… people love wine. Ask them to bring that wine and/or desserts. Trust me, you’ll be doing a lot of other work.

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Step 2.5: Add screen grab of Chris Soules in the field of corn as the banner photo for the extra effect.

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Step 3: Google, I mean Bing, search for hours figuring out what to make/eat/do. (Lucky b*tches. I did this step for you.)

Step 4: Get distracted in the wormhole that is Pinterest.

Step 5: Online shop for 2 hours because obviously you have no clothes ever and clearly everyone else does, according to Pinterest.

Step 6: Put your credit card DOWN and walk away from the computer to access your supplies.

Step 7: Find the leftover candy corn from Halloween and a box of unpopped popcorn.

Step 8: Seriously consider serving just that to your guests.

Step 9: Realize that you too then would have to eat just that.

Step 10: Head to the grocery store. Recipe in hand.

Step 11: First, stop at Starbucks bc exhausted from working hard all morning.

Step 12: “Accidentally” walk into a boutique next to Starbucks instead of Starbucks. And pretend to look for corn-related items while piling cute tops and dresses over your forearm.

Step 13: Remember you just spent $200 on clothes online and GTFO of there and actually go to Starbucks.

Step 14: Get to grocery store. Get a cart. Walk in.

Step 15: Distracted by flower section. Should I get roses? Bc #TheBachelor, right? Suddenly feel an overwhelming sadness thinking about buying yourself a dozen roses when you haven’t a man to buy them for you instead. Ponder if whether you are single is because you do things like throw The Bachelor watch parties instead of successfully dating. Remove yourself from the flower area.

Step 16: Head to the vegetable section. Search for corn.

Step 17: Search and search and search for corn. Search like you’re Chris Soules in that field of corn. Channel your Corn King.

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Step 18: Realize there is absolutely no corn on the cob anywhere because it is winter and you are not in Iowa.

Step 19: Head instead to the frozen vegetable section and buy two huge family-sized bag of frozen corn. Toss in whatever supplies you need. (I did these enchiladas so lots of cheese required.)

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Step 20: Go home and cook. HAHAHHA not. Take a nap.

Step 21: Plan to nap but spend an hour and a half watching Netflix instead. DID YOU KNOW FRIENDS IS ON THERE NOW?

Step 22: Pass out when Ross and Rachel start flirting in the laundry room.

Step 23: Wake up when Rachel loses Ross’s monkey. WHOOPS.

Step 24: Frantically scramble in your kitchen to preheat the oven and find your groceries you haphazardly threw in your fridge.

Step 25: Skim the recipe and throw the ingredients together.

Step 26: Realize you made 1-2 mistakes but tell yourself your friends will forgive you. Make a mental note to serve 1-2 glasses of wine before dinner so they are tipsy enough to appreciate your efforts without judging your skills.wine drinking

Step 27: Consider changing into a nicer outfit because company. Instead, stay cozy in your yoga pants and Ugg boots but throw on a cat hugging a heart shirt because irony.

Step 28: Take out your food which is slightly burnt on the edges. Put more cheese on those edges.

Step 29: Patiently wait for your late friends to Start the episode.

Step 30: The doorbell rings. Frantically rewind the show and pause it. Act normal and not guilty as you welcome your guests.

Additional steps and ideas for non slackers (i.e. not me):

Make these corn husk roses.

And these candy corn cookies.

Get real fancy with corn husk dolls (bonus points for making them voodoo dolls made in the image of some of the craziest girls.)

Popcorn balls (symbolic of the fact that Chris will have to forfeit his balls and his manhood by then end of this show bc so much crying).

Oh, and as always, tweet up a storm. Lord knows we will.

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8 thoughts on “How To: Throw a Corny Bachelor Party

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