Last box, BirchBox and I were happily involved. I, introduced to him by a friend, and him more than happy to have met and married me—as I came with the low, low bounty of $10 a month. I opened the first box with glee, not disappointed by anything—as my new spouse could do no wrong.

But now, the honeymoon is over. I’ve seen good ‘ole Birch in his house clothes and the dirty dishes are piling up. I don’t feel showered by gifts or like I’m the most special woman in the world anymore.

Ok, ignoring my hyperbolic metaphor, basically January’s box just isn’t a home run. And here’s why: It made me feel less beautiful and more like attaining beauty is hard work. WHICH IT IS. But, no one likes being reminded of that. Anyways, let me just tell you how I liked the products, and say: I’m not divorcing Birchy. We’ll get through this tough time. And I definitely recommend you subscribe and get your own box!

1. Vasanti Cosmetics — BrightenUp! Enzymatic Face Rejuvenator, $34

First thought: What da eff are you trying to say, Birch?

Second thought: OK, tbh I love a good face scrub.

Third thought: Yay! Tiny beads for scrubbing.

Final thought: Yes, ok but that price tho.

 

 

 

 

---

 

2. Sumita Color Contrast Eyeliner, $11

First thought: Yuck I hate pencil eyeliners.

Second thought: Seriously, nothing interests me less than the idea of stabbing my eye with something resembling a crayon.

Third thought: What is even this color? Gold green? Over it.

Fourth thought: Yep, putting this on is miserable. Can’t even wing it out right.

Fifth thought: Wait, this color is kind of nice with a neutral eyeshadow. And, mascara helps a ton too.

Final thought: I surprisingly like this. Good natural look.

 

---

 

3. Dr. Jart+ Premium Beauty Balm SPF 45+, $39

First thought: YAY BB CREAM!

Second thought: Gonna get so moisturized and clean looking.

Third thought: WTF do they think I’m albino? I mean I know it’s winter and all, but this is way lighter than my lightest skin color.

Fourth thought: This smells good—aka not at all.

Fifth thought: Crap! That’s expensive. But, a little goes a long way.

Final thought: Welp, I look white af, but I guess there are worse things.

---

 4. Whish Three Whishes Body Butter, $24

First thought: Is this… is this just lotion?

Second thought: Yep… and it doesn’t really smell.

Third thought: Holy crap this tube is like a Fritos bag—half filled with air. How cheap.

Fourth thought: Yep, I just used like all of it on one leg.

Final thought: I guess I can put it in my purse for dry hands?

 

 

---

5. Harvey Prince Sincerely, $55

First thought: Yay! Perfume! Birch did so well with perfume last time.

Second thought: Ew no it smells bad. Like, cleaning product bad.

Final thought: Did my cat just come to cuddle and then walk away at the smell of me? Yep, that just happened.