Yo, so that thing is happening again Sunday. You know, that thing where you get invited to parties that start at like 3 p.m. and you’re like WTF, but OK bc #partiesRawesome and #fooooood.
I’m talking to all the Super Bowl Blasé People (these are people who don’t even care about the commercials or anything. My brethren—both men and women who don’t GAF about NFL.)
Step 1: Do some preliminary research by Googling—I MEAN Binging.
Step 2: Become distracted.
Step 3. Get back on track. Find out who your friends will be rooting for so you can plan your outfit accordingly.
Step 4: Ugh. You have no clothes. Go shopping.
Step 5: End up spending $300 in Victoria’s Secret. Sign up for the credit card to get a discount.
Step 6: GTFO of the mall.
Step 7: Go home and search Pinterest for recipe ideas.
Step 8: Make a gourmet dish.
Step 9: HAHAAHA JK just male
queso Velveeta and Rotel
Step 10: BUY ALL THE ALCOHOL (or just something to bring in).
Step 11: Maybe pre game so you’re party ready.
Step 12: Remember you have Uber for there and home.
Step 13: Have a wildly hungover Monday.
Bonus: 10 Things You Can Say At Your SB Party To Pretend Like You Care
1. “OMG, is he OK?” —when a player takes a brutal hit.
2. “He should have had that.” — when anyone actually watching groans in frustration.
3. “What was he thinking?!” — after a bad play (Who is he? Doesn’t matter.)
4. “Buckle up boys.” — Anytime it’s the 3rd down.
5. “This is all because I didn’t wear my lucky socks.” — if the team you’re pretending to root for is losing (Say they were stolen or something if the party starts to blame you for the loss.)
6. “Why does he always do this game after game after game.” —again the “he” doesn’t matter, and chances are a he has done something annoying every game.
7. “WOW REF ARE YOU BLIND?!” — pretty much all ref insults fly at any call that doesn’t favor your “team”
8. “They say these commercials are good? BRING BACK THE GAME.” — after a non-beer commercial, because beer >
9. “Wow, I hope these balls are deflated because that’d explain how shitty we’re playing.” — or some other timely reference that shows you’re in the know. (Fun fact: deflated balls make it easier to catch. Ooops. Shows how much I know.)
10. “Hey dude, can you toss me a beer?” — Because you’re not lazy, you’re enthralled.