For the longest time, I didn’t know what a terrarium was. Like, I probably would’ve assumed you meant like the lil cage for a spider and I would have ran away before you had time to explain your little Pinterest garden, because that is what it is.

Basically, a terrarium is for those little creatures that haunt my nightmares, but, thanks to Pinterest, there’s been a terrarium revolution (a terralution?). You find pins like this… and this.

But, forget those adorable little things. Those cute little diagrams make it seem like an INFANT can do these—and, quite honestly, it isn’t THAT hard… but I did run into some difficulties, no to mention the fact that I have no clue if these things will actually even live. Y’all I’ve killed a lot of plants in my time. I haven’t ever even cared for one before. Shit, what have I gotten myself into?

Well, with all the credibility I’ve built for myself… Let me tell you how to make one, based on my own personal experience, in a few, terrible-then-fun steps.

Step 1: Pin a terrarium pin to your board on Pinterest (for most people, the journey ends here, and that pin sits next to the “Lose 10 Pounds in 2 Weeks” and “Queso in 5 Steps” pins for eternity.)

Step 2: Text your friend to get her on board. (Use Google—I mean Bing—to try to figure out spelling: “Terirum?” “Terrerum?” “OMG ‘TERRA’ BC LAND AND LATIN LOLZ.”)

Step 3: Plan to stay in on a Friday night to do a project that will probably die. HAHAHAH. Y’all Tuesdays work too. Or, Sundays. Basically, pick another day.

Step 4: Accidentally wait too late so that the only store open is the Walmart by your house, which very recently a man was shot and killed. Oops.

Step 5: Pray for that man, your own safety, and that they have succulents. Ugh, come on Walmart.

Step 6: Park forever away because even on Friday night at 8 p.m. everyone is shopping at Walmart.

Step 7: Find soil, glass jars, and rocks… THEN FIND ALL THE CUTEST LITTLE PLANTS. Succulents and cacti work for open containers, but you need to mist them daily! (But they are so cute and worth it.) Most houseplants work, though.

Step 8: Spend 30 minutes in the deserted garden area trying to whittle down from 15 small plants.

Step 9: Just put all of them in your cart, bc YOTO (you only terrarium once).

Step 10: Ask the garden center employee what the eff is activated charcoal and where can we find it. Smile and nod as he takes you to BBQ pit charcoal and then politely walk away.

Step 11: Get distracted by little children bikes. Accidentally knock a display over. RUN AWAY.

Step 12: Look up on your phone the hours of a plant place. YAY THEY R OPEN!

Step 13: Check out at Walmart and go there.

Step 14: Ask the 4 employees standing around the huge plant place (not a single customer in sight) if they have activated charcoal.

Step 15: When they say no distrust them, and look yourself.

Step 16: When you don’t find it, silently walk past them as you leave, bowing your head in shame.

Step 17: Look up on your phone and see that it’s a common fish tank cleaning thing sold at most stores with a fish isle like, SHOCKER, Walmart.

Step 18: Get lost trying to get back to Walmart and repeat step 6.

Step 19: Find the effing charcoal, add wine to the basket, and about 14 types of junk food because your annoyance level is at 120% and only gummy worms and cheap wine can fix that. Do the self checkout to avoid judgment (but realize this is Walmart at 9 pm on a Friday, so what is judgment?)

Step 20: FINALLY GET HOME AND START THE PROJECT (after 1-2 glasses of wine, and 1-2 episodes of Friends).

Step 21: Figure out which plants will go where, find little stones or toys for decoration. (Shells work, plastic frogs, trinkets, old vacation toys you got, army men, etc.)

Step 22: Put small rocks as the first layer (about an inch—this allows the water to collect here, then add the activated charcoal (about a half inch—this keeps it clean).

Step 23: Depending on the height of your jar, add soil. Some of mine were small, so I used most of the soil from the pots it came in, and sprinkled it around. Some of the little plants have multiples in them, so you can separate them so you can have more variety.

Step 24: Once everyone is planted and you’ve sprinkled enough soil around, add the trinkets.

Step 25: Realize you did this inside your home and there is dirt EVERY WHERE. Dust it off your table and under a mat, and call it done.

Step 26: TAKE ALL THE PICTURES. #LivingArt

 

Step 27: Keep them near-ish to sun and mist regularly!