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The Bachelor: Hometown Glories (Week 8)

Ah, yes, the episode where Ben goes home to meet the parents, and we all fight over which family member the women look like most. (Spoiler: Amanda’s offsprings look like her miniaturized, but their voices are deeper. Weird.)

Also a common thing that happens on every single hometown: The girls, on cue, all feel nervous about telling Ben they love him and then chicken out last minute.

This season went by so quickly, and I’m exhausted and overwhelmed with how it’s playing out — honestly just next week’s preview is stressing me out. I think I need to debrief and get a lot of thoughts off my mind. Here’s my stream of consciousness of the episode, aka an invite into the dark place that is my brain. You’re welcome.

Amanda

  • Oh good, yes, let’s start on a high note (high note = every sound she makes).
  • Is this a shirt? how is it staying on rn? Is it like, taped to her body?
  • Enter: The children. Gosh, they are better dressed than I ever was. Am. Or will be.
  • Hahahah Ben is so awkward. “How do I child? Yes, what want, little one?”
  • Amanda to Ben: “They like it when you chase them.” Best way to describe what women want in general.

  • OK, these girls are straight up the cutest little girls I have ever seen, and I kind of hate children.
  • The rest of the date is kind of boring. The parents seem concerned; Ben seems FREAKED out; Somehow that shirt manages to stay on.

Lauren

  • Oh, Portland? First guess was Canada because of the ducks, but ok. Same thing.
  • They eat food from trucks because it’s Portland and they’re quirky or whatever.
  • Oh hell no, Portland. “Keep Portland Weird” sign needs to go. You can’t just steal Austin’s thing. WHO DO YOU KNOW?!
  • Flash forward to home: Lauren has big family and they all have big foreheads like her.
  • Her sister is cute, but omg so annoying. “Ben, like why do you think you like my sister, like how do you know, you know?” Ben cannot understand what she is asking, however she refuses to move on. He musters up some man tears and she accepts that as payment for the question.

  • OK, what was weird is you can SUPER see the difference in how he was around Amanda vs. Lauren. He SUPER likes Lauren.

 

Caila

  • I’m getting my eyes nice and ready to roll on Caila’s hometown date in Ohio.
  • She talks about high school and how she really felt at home there, so either A. Ben and Caila are soul mates and are basically the same person, or, the more likely, B. Caila is SO fake and trying to copy everything about him and be that way too.
  • Caila’s dad is the CEO of a toy manufacturing company (wait what?!) and so they play with toys and design a home together.

  • This is a super cute date, and it feels like Caila is trying to be the Bachelorette more than she actually likes Ben.
  • Caila’s dad has rad pants. They are orange and weird, but he rocks them.
  • Caila’s mom doesn’t seem to understand the concept, but she seems nice and looks JUST like her.
  • Caila just hugs her parents over and over again. I don’t understand this much love, and I again say it’s all fake.

JoJo

  • JoJo thinks she got a dozen roses from Ben, but it’s actually from her ex. So awkward. She starts reading the letter all cute and stuff, then she’s like, “wait what?!”
  • Cut to producer who is totally baiting her to cause more drama. You KNOW the producer is like, “dude, you GOTTA call him. You deserve closure.” Or whatever BS happened.
  • She calls him, and she seems like she is on the fence, then Ben shows up and she’s like, JK and hangs up.
  • JoJo and Ben roll up to her family’s MANSION… wtf, right? Her family greets her with MUCH excitement and love and everyone forgets about Ben for a sec. What a nice change of pace.
  • The doubt is at an all-time high with the family EXCEPT for JoJo’s mom, who really doesn’t know what’s happening. JoJo’s like, “Mom, I don’t know it’s so hard” and then her mom is like, “It’s fine; you’re beautiful.” JoJo seems encouraged by that.
  • Then, her brother’s come in.
  • They talk to Ben and TOTALLY call him on his BS with some psychology stuff, that is totally and completely accurate. One brother says Ben is brainwashing these girls and how Ben has a god complex. Then they start discussing metaphysics and how nothing’s really real in the grand scheme of things. It got deep.

  • Then I stopped watching Ben and the brothers and just started watching JoJo’s mom drink champagne out of the bottle like a true hero.

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Rose ceremony

  • Dang, everyone brought their A-game when it came to dresses this evening.
  • Lauren and Caila get the first two roses, then JoJo nabs the third after some v. intense moments and looks.

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  • Amanda seems sad but accepting. Her campaign to become The Bachelorette begins NOW.

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