You don’t know me, but you are on my Fantasy Suiteball team (last round pick — I panicked and picked the one guy I had heard about, a decision I whole-heartedly regret). And, given the amount of screen time ABC gives you, I feel like I already know you. Which is why I’m taking the opportunity to write this open letter to you.
First of all Chad, you are the worst.
You’re conceited, selfish, judgmental, brash, misogynistic, violent and just a dumb, dumb dummy. And, lucky for us, this entire episode was dedicated to you. Yay.
First, let’s talk about Evan. I’d like yourself to think long and hard about why you have a problem with the erectile disfunction dude. Long and hard. Why do you have a problem with erectile disfunction dude? (Or, “why do you have a problem with erectile disfunction, dude?” Either way probably works as a legitimate question.)
Sure, Evan might be baiting you, but you’re making it pretty easy on him. Especially since you 100% ripped his shirt without him pushing you like you claimed. Let’s see the tape.
How dare you rip a perfectly tight V-neck tee. There definitely aren’t ANY other dudes in the house with spare ones, as it is such a unique style. Now how will Evan be able to show his clavicles?
Evan might be baiting you, and he’s not backing down. No matter how nicely you ask.
You make an awful villain, by the way. Most villains can at least have a good thing going with the Bachelor/Bachelorette. Do you? Answer: No. JoJo seems (like me) to be a tad scared of you. You’re aggressive, possessive, violent — oh wait, I listed these already. Anyways, she ain’t into it.
As you know, you’ve got plenty of other non-fans wishing you the worst with JoJo, and I have to say, I’m one of them. Like, this is actual footage of me (not Alex) watching this episode:
I’m trying to pinpoint what it is exactly that bugs me so much about you. But I can’t. So I made a list.
1. Your squinty eyes give me the creeps. I feel like you’re mind killing someone when you do that.
2. You’re body builder big. Just sit this next workout out, all I’m saying. I know it’s a bromantic pastime, but maybe just sleep in.
3. Your threats are oddly specific.
4. Your comparisons are also…. oddly specific.
5. You’re a
little lot gross. You hocked a loogie on camera and appear to line your suit jacket with lunchmeat. It’s not lunchtime and your head is already full of enough meat, meathead.
6. Speaking of gross, you make too much eye contact when eating, and you eat WEIRD AF FOODS. Who does this. Who just crunches into a sweet potato like this. HAVE YOU NO DECENCY?!
7. AGAIN WITH THE FOOD. My usual complaint is that we NEVER see these people eat and that’s just not right. But now I take it all back, ok ABC, I take it back. I’m watching you eat lettuce, wishing for the anorexic, food-free dates when it hits me…. This ridiculousness cannot be real.
And I think, “OMG, he is in on it.” Yes, yes it DID take me making a gif of you eating lettuce to realize you aren’t a real person. Real Chad probably sucks. Like, I do not want to be your friend… or even in the same room as you bc nightmares, but this super villain, chomping cow cannot possibly this awful. Like, I just have to think better of the human race.
You are a product of an awful dude, meets talented producers, meets steroids (? but probably), meets meats and other eats. If you’re going to continue terrorizing this year’s contestants, I’m thinking we have an excellent Men Tell All episode awaiting us.
We’ll probably see you then and there, and for the LOVE OF GOD, not on the show next week.
Natalie “Please Don’t Cause Me” Harms
PS. A mic throw is NOT the same as a mic drop. Bye.