How to Throw an Empty Apartment Party

You live in an apartment. It’s been a great 12 months. You’ve had your debacles with resident staff, you’ve submitted your fair share of maintenance requests, you’ve day drank too hard at the community pool, and before you know it you’ve put in your 60-day notice, called some movers and have found your way into bigger, better, and cheaper living situations. So while you may be all ~~excited~~ stressed about unpacking and setting up your new place and sending out that ~~classy invitation with calligraphy~~ Facebook invite to all your friends for your housewarming party. You must not overlook one of the greatest opportunities you have with your friends to gather and drink….. And that ladies and gentlemen is an Empty Apartment Party.

Take advantage of all your new found space for activities and cool your apartment with a bang. Here’s how to host the #EmptyApartmentParty of the year.

The Pregame

1. Find an Empty Apartment. Ideally this should be yours. But if you stumble upon an unoccupied one, you are more than welcome to use that one as well, I suppose. If it is yours, be sure to clear everything out. You will need lots of space for activities. You never know what might be in your future. There could be a Slide n Slide. Be prepared.

2. Leave the essentials. There are a few things that should be left at the Empty Apartment, including: toilet paper, speakers, alcohol, trash bags, cat ears.

3. Send out the obligatory Facebook invite. This should be enticing and informative. Include a picture of your apartment. Or what you think your apartment looks like. And give a descriptions of the events that will likely unfold, such as “We will get drunk. And not have chairs.”

4. Send out a hype snap chat. If you didn’t snap it, did it really happen? No.

5. Invite randos. This is the party of the year. Everyone has been to a housewarming, but how many people can say that they’ve been to a house cooling? Exactly. Invite your coworkers that you run into at Specs. Invite the randos you met at the pool that day. Invite that rando you met on Bumble. The more the merrier. This will probably be the only chance in your life you get to do this, because you *literally* have nothing to lose. Like what are they going to steal? Your microwave?

6. Get a bumping playlist. This night is about to get ratchet. Your music should reflect that. I recommend using one of the cleverly titled Songza playlist for the occasion. No commercials >> Pandora. Potential options might include: Drop It Real Low, Frat-Rap House Party, Hold Me Back Bro, and the Twerk Tape.

7. Stock up on party essentials at local liquor store. There will be no pesto crostinis, champagne flutes, or raised pinkies here. Heck you won’t even have glass shot glasses. Be sure to stock up on the following goods: Budlight, Franzia, and Solo cups. Bonus: mini Solo cup shot glasses and Shiner to pregame. Ignore judgmental looks from the Specs employees. “Those girls aren’t fucking around!”

8. Designate someone to bring Tiffs Treats. Fresh baked cookies at 11pm? Hell yeah, you know who the real MVP is.

Game Time

Once the show gets going, it won’t stop. Be sure to ~~designate a friend as head party planner~~ to do the most ridiculous things you can think of and the things you’ve always wanted to ~~do as a big eff you to management~~ check off your bucket list. Some examples below:

Make jokes with your guests. Don’t you love what I’ve done with the place? I really cleaned up for you guys!
Do an all house shotgun….in your living room. For the love of the game! Amiright?!

Slap the bag in your living room. Pro tip: train for this activity with a few bicep curls beforehand. Because five liters of Sunset Blush is heavy y’all.

Ice someone. Props if its the host. In their empty bedroom.
Share your secrets on the floor. There are no chairs, so where else are you going to have a late night heart-to-heart?!
Stand on your counter. It’s not like you ever have to eat on it again!

Empty the apartment again. Perfect excuse to get rid of those weird ends of triple sec and peppermint schnapps you’ve been holding onto for months. The randos you invited won’t know what hit them.

Once you’ve sufficiently emptied your apartment of all the alcohol, cut the music, kick out the people, and post game on the town. Or just skip to the 3am snackage and fast forward to brunch where you relive your #EmptyApartmentParty glory.