For an It’s Not Hou It’s Me exclusive, I sat down with Chris B. Harrison (close personal friend). I got him to gab about some spoilers for the first episode of this season of The Bachelorette, which premieres Monday (you bet your roses we’ll be writing all about it). So here are some very real, totally not sarcastic spoilers of the episode that are definitely going to happen for sure:

– Chris Harrison opens the show with a musical number. The song goes No. 1 on iTunes. He later quits the show as host and heads to Broadway.

– There are made-up jobs, per usual. The amateur sex coach offers free lessons… to another dude. The healer tries to heal Kaitlyn of her cold, but actually just touches her inappropriately on national television. The junkyard specialists proposes to both of them with rings made from tin cans. Britt says aw, and Kaitlyn says ew wtf. The, like, five fitness trainers group together and become the Mean Girls of the house: “YOU CAN’T SIT WITH US, ENGINEER.”

– A law student (ahem, exotic dancer) flashes his abs. He tells Britt to punch him there, and she sprains her wrist. She cries.

– These two guys get confused by the two women and instead realize their love and attraction to each other. They leave together and now own a vineyard in California together. The wine tastes disgusting, though.

– Kaitlyn instigates a fight with Britt. Chris Harrison stops them only to announce that this is how the Bachelorette will be decided: Hunger Games-style combat. Winner takes all the men.

– The ceremonial toast takes place, then the girls change into Lululemon (sponsor) to battle. The guys are into it.

– Britt cries when Kaitlyn pulls out her fake hair (I KNEW IT WAS FAKE).

– Kaitlyn pauses mid-fight to cut this guy’s hair because he really needs it. Bad.  She finds out it’s actually a wig and puts it on. He runs out and for some reason Britt starts crying (probs solidarity #fakehair).

– Britt, still crying btw, pouts to Chris who calls the battle off. Kaitlyn puts her nunchucks away reluctantly.

– The men then develop shrines to the woman. They put dead flowers in front of the one they like. This guy tries to kiss Britt’s picture but catches on fire. #oops.

– One guy can’t decide between the two and snaps his rose in half. He’s OK though because all the interns chop off all the thorns.

– This guy tries to make a joke but no one gets it. He gets drunk in his shame. Britt develops a connection to him, so she thinks. He actually passed out mid convo with her. She didn’t notice.

– One of the guys talks about how effed up this whole process is, how the guys on The Bachelorette actually getting to pick between two women is wrong and how all of this is definitely not how it should be. Everyone boos him and he decides to remain quiet for the rest of the evening while his fellow bachelors reference three-ways.

– Kaitlyn does the Kylie Jenner lip challenge. It’s not successful. She spends the rest of the night obscuring her lips from the view of the guys.

– Some random dude from another season comes out of nowhere and professes his love for Britt/Kaitlyn (who ever was closest to the entrance). He’s never met either, but all of the sudden it’s a big deal. Britt cries.

 – Britt takes a while to understand the concept of two Bachelorettes. The producers make a little children’s book with pictures to explain it.

– Kaitlyn wins over the guys and they frolic around the world together. I know this one is true because NO WAY WOULD ANYONE ALLOW BRITT TO BE THE BACHELORETTE, RIGHT!?!?!?! Guys don’t like crying, right?!

All images are screenshots from the *golden* sneak peek videos on The Bachelorette Facebook page. I MEAN CHRIS HARRISON SENT THEM TO ME.