I haven’t seen a split this big among my friends since “The Dress.”
On one hand, you have the Nick haters, and I see their points. He’s always a sort of a villain. He tells it like it is, sure, but not exactly in a nice way. He’s always a runner up, which SUCKS, but then when Jennifer happened, he literally was like, “No thanks, byeeeeee” after WEEKS of leading her on (or what we assume are weeks, possibly only days disguised as weeks by producers).
Then, you have, not the Nick lovers persay, but the people (like me) who are just like, “Welp, this should be entertaining. Nick kind of has a handle over this Bachelor thing. He’s been on 4 seasons? How is that even possible? But he keeps coming back and the producers keep letting him. Why? Because he’s kind of hilarious, kind of hott and, well, he’s here. I think Nick will actually be hilarious on this show, which I have to admit is the main motivation I have in watching week to week. But, I do think a small part of me wants these crazy kids to finally work it all out and settle down with their newly discovered partner at the end of the season. I love, love, love watching them post-season planning their weddings or just being hilarious drinking wine in Canada (my girl Kaitlyn). Yeah, so, 100% Nick’s relationship at the end of the season is not going to be one that lasts. Ad for that, I’m a little bummed.
There’s also a bit of a polarizing opinion on his looks. I think I think he’s cute? But, like, not super cute. Just, like, solid attractive level.
Anyways, whether you’re Team Not Nick or Team Whatever, I’m Here For The Wine, here’s how to get prepared for the premiere.
Take some deep breaths and soothing sighs
Mental preparedness is half the battle. Form your thoughts on the season. Consider some of these questions:
- Do I like Nick? Why or why not?
- Is the fact that you don’t like him going to make you unhappy this season?
- If yes, then what are the positives to him as The Bachelor?
- Yes, he does have a good butt — but how can you focus on that to cause you inner happiness?
- Now that you’ve framed a picture of Nick’s butt, can you promise to keep an open mind this season?
- If no, will you just provide sassy commentary during each episode?
- If yes, will you promise to tweet them and also follow along @itsnothouitsme‘s tweets too?
- If yes, will you follow us on insta and watch our stories there?
Or, maybe, do some yoga.
Shop for wine, wine and more wine (and food, I guess)
What’s a Bachelor watch party without wine? Answer: Sad. Kidding. Sorta.
Get some wine and ask your guests to bring more. Who knows how long this episode is (probably 3 hours). DO you know how much wine can be drank in three hours? A LOT. Especially if you’re playing my drinking game (below!).
Plan your party
Do all the things. Start a pinterest board, make a Facebook event, rent linens and extra glassware, decorate your entire house with Nick face cutouts, order a cake (with or without a person inside it) create invitations on Canva.com, DO IT ALL.
Start a bracket league with your friends (or join ours!!!). You pick who stays on each week, and get points accordingly. Because we are all still like, “Who tf are these people.” Our league locks in brackets before the second episode.
Alternative: ABC and ESPN teamed up for their own fantasy game. Join our league!
Go above and beyond and play your own Fantasy Suiteball league.
Formulate your drinking game
Not that you’ll really need anyone to tell you to drink, but a drinking game might make it all better. Here’s our 2017 Bachelor Drinking Game for night one.
Drink every time…
- …someone’s intro involves them walking/biking around aimlessly (bonus drink if they are on a beach or touch their hair)
- …Nick’s intro shows him working out or shirtless
- …ABC plays the goofy music — you know the tune
- …someone comes out of the limo in a costume with a gimmick
- …a girl in a red dress comes out of the limo (was there a dress code?! so many red dresses on night 1)
- …you spy a kendra scott piece of jewelry
- …someone tries to steal Nick away
- …someone complains about Nick being stolen away
- …someone talks about how hott Nick is
- …a contestant judges another contestant based on what they are wearing, something they said, their appearance, etc. All catty things.
- …someone talks about “their story” or says they need to tell Nick something v important.
Pretty much you’ll be constantly drinking.
Read all the contestant bios
Listen, I cried laughing at these bios — Nick you got some real winners. Here are some highlights.
- Alexis, 23, is an aspiring dolphin trainer from Secaucus, NJ. That is her job description. That’s all.
- Angela, 26, model, Greenville, SC, also likes dolphins and would want to be one. “They are playful and sociable and live in family groups.” K.
- Astrid, 26, plastic surgery office manager, Tampa, FL. WE’RE NOT EVEN THROUGH THE As YET BUT, ANOTHER WANNABE DOLPHIN: “So I could rescue lost sailors and swim in the ocean doing tricks.” This isn’t a thing. Is she thinking of Mermaids?
- Yep, she is. When asked: “If you could be a fictional character, who would you be and why?” Astrid said: “The Little Mermaid before legs. I would love to explore the ocean.” Get thee to an aquarium.
- Briana, 28, surgical unit nurse, Salt Lake City, UT. ALSO WANTS TO BE A DOLPHIN. Is this some sort of inside joke?! Like, we’re being punked, right? Literally contestants 1-4 all wanna be Dolphins (or train them). Briana, at least, has a logical reason. Wait, never mind. “So I could breathe underwater, do flips and be cute.” All these girls took their dolphin necklace from Spring Break in Cancun a little too seriously.
- Speaking of unoriginal thoughts, most want to be Olivia Pope, but I ain’t even mad about that.
- Thought Christen (25, wedding videographer, Tulsa, OK) was normal until… “I would break into the White House and spend months sleeping in a storage closet and observing what actually goes on behind closed doors.” Actually, no, I take this back. I’d also love to do this after January 2o.
- Hailey, 23, photographer, Vancouver, British Columbia, Canada, is two years younger than me, so for that I hate her like she hates butterflies (why tho?!).
- Lauren, 30, law school graduate, Naples, FL, also would be a dolphin. STOP WHITE PEOPLE 2017!
- Raven, 25, fashion boutique owner, Hoxie, AR. Oh, girl. First, she loves Brittany Murphy (when she was alive “I love her spirit”). Dying is SUCH a bummer. Spirit loving GONE. But SHE’S not afraid of aging. “I’m sure I’ll use cosmetic procedures to my advantage, but tastefully done.” She has a plan.
Expertly stalk the contestants
Snapchat stalk here. Insta/Twitter stalk here. You’ll get some good intel. Like….
The dolphin trainer dresses up as a shark…. seems logical.
And… do we have our night one drunk?
And Josephine is the girl who slaps Nick (clearly in a v staged way).
Take a vacay day Tuesday.
If you play the drinking game, you might need it.
OMG Shark/Dolphin girl is my spirit animal.. Such a funny premier and I love how they all freaking wore red. lol and Alexis goes… “I almost wore red… good thing I didn’t.” I died laughing!!! hahahahahah
With love from Florida,