You can walk the walk and talk the talk, but one thing will give you away: Your kitchen. We (because, yes—I’m right there with you) try to make it seem like we have our ish together… “I have a 401K and, like, two blazers, so yeah. #Adulting.” But then again… you have a 30-day-old Cheeto between your stove and your cabinets and your liquor bottles are rarely in your “liquor cabinet” (if you even have the illusion of that social construct).
So here we are. Here are 10 signs you can change (or embrace, bc yolo) that make your kitchen less adulty than your LinkedIn profile portrays.
1. Not a damn glass matches. You maybe… MAYBE have a pair of glasses, but mostly.. nah. You’ve got a Karbach glass and a Saint Arnold’s souvenir—oh and hell yes to your Alma Mater plastic cups. Plus, Urban Outfitters made a fat sale when you discovered how hilarious its glass tumblers are. All accounted for. I even have glasses that used to be candles. You know what probably isn’t? Juice glasses—what is this concept? Can’t I just have juice in a normal glass? Why do I have to drink it in an oversized shot glass?
2. You spend $125 at the grocery store but you have nothing to eat. WHERE DID IT ALL GO?! Oh yeah, you bought two things of sushi, jelly beans and tons of craft beer. That shit adds up. Also, probably over paid for it all at Whole Foods or Central Market… I know it’s closer but c’mon.
3. Your alcohol spends Thursday to Sunday stuck to your counter. Warm water may be required to unstick the bottoms from the surface to put them away—that’s if you even bother to do that.
4. You have two of somethings and none of others. Just by the process of living with roommates and, honestly, just forgetting you have something, causes you to have two pizza slicers, but no potato peelers. A pair of corkscrews but you keep using a towel as a pot holder. It’s fine… these things aren’t even necessities. You’re resourceful. (Plus, who cooks?)
5. When you actually do cook, it’s a big freaking deal. I’m talking four types of cheeses, internet research, Pinterest is involved, there’s a Facebook invite sent out. The whole shebang. You also perpetrate the illusion that it isn’t a big deal. “Oh yea usually when I make croissants they don’t flatten out like this,” and “last week when I made stroganoff it was runny, so I tried something new.” You can be honest. These are things you read in the comment section of the recipe.
6. You probably only eat half the produce you buy. The rest of it gets fed to the garbage disposal. Two-week-old lettuce might look fine, but it isn’t trusted.
7. Your drinking accoutrements are on point, because priorities. You might not have a ladle, but you have 10 (different) wine glasses. They are either quirky or stolen from somewhere (oops). I have four champagne flutes, but no wax paper.
8. Your refrigerator is decorated with pictures of you and your friends and souvenir magnets. Also, any free things from restaurants—matches, menus, magnets—they are around too.
9. You have more shot glasses and flasks than you can realistically use—which is weird because you use them A LOT. Also present: ping-pong balls, red solo cups, beer-soaked playing cards, etc.
10. Your dishes are in the sink. Where they stay. Until you find time to clean and load them in the dish washer. So like, next week?
I just re-read this about my new house and lolzed so hard