I’ve come to the realization that I may have left college, but college sure hasn’t left me. Yes, sure, I buy liquor that isn’t two inches above a dirty, tiled floor (ahem, I shop one shelf above bottom) and yes I have a full time job that requests my undivided attention from 9 to 5, but I maybe still use a toothbrush longer than the dentist recommended time period and most of my food comes from disposable plastic containers (from the freezer or from a less than fine-dining establishment). So, yeah. I’m v adult. Much mature.

But, I’m in a book club, so I think that balances out my mature spectrum.

Do you have two bags of opened Cheetos but no fresh vegetables in your kitchen right now? Have your sheets yet to have been washed this year (gross)? Is your bathroom mirror speckled with dried spit that you plan on “cleaning up later as soon as you buy windex?” I can help you, you dirty heap of an “adult” you. Throw your sheets in the washer (YES with detergent) and take a wet towel to your mirror, then follow these steps to making a ridiculously mature adult book club and act your age, not your shoe size.

Step one: Round ye merry mature peeps.

Who do you know? Find the most adult ones. Grab a married friend, someone who’s done their taxes by herself, a homeowner and/or someone caring for another life (baby; a dog is acceptable too). You want someone who’s busy with their adult life, sure, but has time for a monthly meeting. And, doesn’t have any first-name relationships with bartenders. About 5-6 is a good number of people to be in your exclusive group of readers.

Step two: Involve a calendar.

Now that you’re pretending to be a real adult, you need to have a plan. This isn’t a college happy hour crew like, “Oh yeah let’s go on Tuesdays.. which Tuesday? IDK text me on Mondays or like Tuesday mornings ish.” No. Pick a day, i.e. Wednesday, and a week, i.e. the first of each month, and stick to it.

Step three: Establish a means of communication.

And there’s an app for that. Create a groupme chat and verbally encourage each other on your reading routines.

Acceptable messages: “I’ve been reading for an hour before I go to bed—unless I’m just too wiped from work! It IS busy season! Hahahah!”

NOT acceptable messages: “Dude. I got SooOsoooo drunk last night. HUNGOVER AF. I wanna read bc like not getting out of bed ever… may as well read, but like the book is in the living room. Apparently Favor won’t process my request to have someone bring it to me, but I ordered mashed potatoes, so when the delivery person gets here I’ll try again. Wish me warm potatoes—and a hottie delivery guy… double yum! LOLOLOL XOXO”

Step four: Pick a book.

Research this. Come to the meetings with an idea for the next book, but be sure to discuss everyone’s ideas (EVERY MEMBER MATTERZ). Consult Pinterest, TheSkimm, Oprah, Kindle suggestions, New York Times, etc. You must pick a book longer than 300 pages, but for the love of god less than 700. Stephen King should be outlawed. Mix up the genres, because book club, much like a marriage, can get dull, repetitive and boring. Keep it spicy.

Suggestions: Girl on the Train, Me Before You, Station 11, Brain on Fire.

Step five: Develop a rotational venue.

Each member should take turns hosting. Yes, this means you will have other humans over eventually, so be sure to vacuum and spray Fabreze. Not the cheap kind; the kind from the commercials where they blindfold people and put them in disgusting locations but they don’t even know it because of the spray. Your home is the filthy place, and, while blindfolds are not socially acceptable in MOST instances, Fabreze is.

Step six: Wine and dine.

Obviously, food and alcohol should be involved in the meeting. It’s fun to think of a cuisine (maybe one that relates to the book) and have everyone bring different items on theme. ALWAYS bring wine. It’s just the nice thing to do since you plan on drinking an entire bottle yourself, right?

Step seven: Actually read the book… at least most of the time.

Book club is NOT homework. There are no grades, and no authority quizzing you on how far you read. Be chill, and don’t blame people who didn’t make it to the finish line… or even halfway. BUT… you are in this book club to read, correct? So actually read if you are able to. Mama didn’t raise no quitter.

There you have it. You went from worthless human to average adult. Proud of you, and so are your parents.