This week on The Bachelor… my fantasy league is suffering more than this guy.
Ben stayed on theme and took all the ladies to another place they probably went to on Spring Break in college—because Mexico and Vegas weren’t enough.
The first date was Caila again and they did nothing fun. Their first date was fun. Now, it’s serious. Caila says she loves him, immediately regrets it, and takes it back. She says she isn’t ready. Apparently, she thinks she’s going to break her heart. “You know how you’re unlovable? Yeah, I’m like the opposite. Everyone loves me and I’m like IDC.” Weirdly, Ben finds this endearing. Ah, yes. This must be why you’re single still, young Benjamin. I literally wanted to fast forward through this date.
And then, in the most dramatic episode of Bachelor history… pigs attacked. I mean, honestly. Ben went whole hog on these ladies. He must now be referred to as Bae of Pigs. Apparently, there is such a thing as beach pigs (also probably an insult used somewhere—this must be its origin). You feed them hot dogs and it’s NOT cannibalism for them because they are chicken (or so Ben says… jury is still out).
I’ll just let this sink in.
However, I think the pigs see through the chicken lie and attack the women. Ben tells the ladies to do this: 🙅 if they want nothing more from the pigs (also works on Ben… ladies, here’s your safe word). Yeah, the crossing your heart and hoping to die here doesn’t work so much and it turns into the low-budget Jaws sequel: SNOUTS. 🐽
Clearly, the pigs weren’t here to make friends either. Honestly, how far off is this date actually? I mean, a bunch of pigs chasing after a girl? That’s the entire concept of the Bachelorette. And just like in The Bachelorette, when all else fails… run.
Anyways, other things happened maybe on this date. I think Leah was mad because she is just so totally awesome and it’s so weird that Ben can’t see that. She tries to throw one of the Laurens under the bus, and then everyone hates her. As a hail mary, she goes to see him in his room and continues to sh*t talk her. Drink. Obviously, her and her fabulous brows go home.
Cut to the 2-on-1 with mortal enemies Olivia and Emily. I honestly thought both of them would go home. Their little monologues about themselves are the exact same: “I’m confident in myself, and I know don’t always express myself well, but I’m here to grow and I want you to grow with me!” Cue eyelash batting and extended eye contact. Literally no one kissed on this date, which has got to make some sort of record.
Ben skips the cocktail hour because there’s pretty much a hurricane and also he’s tired. Naps > cocktail parties. Weirdly and sadly the Kindergarten teacher goes home. I already miss her normalcy.
With the ridiculous—and potentially life threatening—dating, all the stress and sunburns, all these ladies and Ben probably would have been better off on Bumble… Where you can swipe your heart away and not get left standing alone on an island. RIP, OOOOlivia. Y’all are busy, so I made your profiles for you:
Ben, 27
Software Sales, aspiring model
Location
Denver
Info
Scared I’m unlovable, so I take girls to McDonald’s on every date so they cab Bada-ba-ba-ba LOVE ME. Also, I’m 6’4″ and this is Bumble. Heights are required.
Amanda, 25
Esthetician
Location
Rancho Santa Margarita (sounds like a disgusting cocktail, IMO)
Info
NOT a teen mom, but, like, yeah I’m a young mom. I’m a cool mom. Not like other moms.
Becca, 26
Chiropractic Assistant
Location
San Diego
Info
I go to a lot of concerts and snapchat them all @beccatilley. Also, I’m a virgin, and that’s something we all have to admit to on national TV. It’s like, the law.
Caila, 24
Software Sales (HEY BEN! We have the same boring job!!!)
Location
Boston
Info
I think I love you, but I’m not ready. But you probably already love me. OOPS. Hobbies include: Leaving my current boyfriend for someone on TV, because that’s realistic and sustainable.
Emily, 22
Unemployed (probably a Kendra Scott model)
Location
Viva Las Vegas
Info
Can I mouth kiss your dog? I have a twin and we wear the same things and say the same things and we do NOT date the same guy ever mainly because my sister is quiet, so I always win. #tWINNING
JoJo, 24
Real Estate Developer
Location
Dallas
Info
OMG, there’s a bat behind you!! LEAVE. GET OUT. IT’S THE END OF YOU AND ME. Wait, JK it’s a butterfly.
Lauren B., 25
Flight Attendant
Location
Marina Del Rey, CA
Info
Come fly away with me? I’m the blond Lauren in the picture. Or like.. wait. One of them