We’re still pretty effing proud of our Fantasy Suiteball game, and everyone got super into it and SUPER competitive, e.g. we are going to need more wine. I’d say our draft night was pretty much a success… except for Chris Harrison stealing our Fantasy Suiteball drafting idea for his stupid Bachelor Live thing. NOT. COOL.
I mean, we know you knew of our draft, Chris. You liked our instagram and RTed me. We are basically best friends.
As far as cast goes, The Bachelor franchise pulled out all the stops with these girls this season. Literally everyone had a “thing” to get Ben to remember them, from throwing dried, withered flowers from a wedding’s bouquet toss (one at which she DEFINITELY elbowed a bridesmaid over) to gluten-hating bread breaking (bc gluten is actually the devil—the public school system failed that one).
Here are ten ACTUALLY insane things that happened on the season 20 premiere of The Bachelor.
1. Chris Soules, for no apparent reason, made a cameo.
Not exactly who I’d call a “success” for Bachelor history. Bro looked like he wished he could go back in time after hearing Sean and Jason’s advice (PS. Jason is the one who CHOSE THE WRONG GIRL… then exchanged her for the runner up. Were these the only ones available, Chris Harrison?)
2. You fell in love with (then in fear of) Jubilee
This girl served in Afghanistan… but (according to previews) she cries later in the season. War is scary, but so is love. Also, I feel like she is a crazy one in disguise. Her pick up line: “Is my dress too tight or did seeing you just make me lose my breath?” OK, chill.
3. Your eyes actually got stuck in the back of your head when you rolled them so hard after hearing the twins synchronize their speaking.
So much Kendra Scott jewelry in one frame. Producers, the tandem bike was a little too much…
4. Chicken girl flew the coup.
It was actually kind of annoying how normal the Chicken Enthusiast seemed (you know, other than the chicken shit). I guess she didn’t have to stay too long away from her little birdie babies.
5. The first kiss ever to come before a complete sentence.
Hi I’m…. SMOOCH. Lace clearly didn’t need anything from Ben to decide he was kiss worthy. I mean, she stalked him on social media so like she basically knows everything about him… never mind he’s still like, “Lace, wait, like… the fabric?”
6. The Bachelor goes beastial.
Probably the first intro to include a girl willingly putting a bag-like thing over her head, but JoJo does it. I hope when she does finally gets eliminated, she gets out, leaves right now, it’s the end of her and Ben.
7. This girl wanted a rose so bad, she WAS a rose.
She picked it from her garden. You know, next to the one that grows her weed probably. “If things go well, maybe you can help me pollinate it later.” Thanks for that visual and science lesson.
8. This ass tried to ruin a girl’s dress.
Some girl from Fort Worth perpetrated the Texas lies and brought a small horse on the show, setting back those who use “y’all” decades. (I know it’s a pony not an ass).
9. Forget Becca and Amber… Cameron Diaz showed up.
SURPRISE! OK, Olivia is actually the hottest, right? Until she asked Ben if he had dimples. Uhhh, not on his face at least.
10. We were all Lace.
Lace is hands down the token mean girl… and token drunk. She was mean and hilarious, and also clearly had a few too many free wines, but she managed to keep it together and not, like, hurl or jump in the pool. Aka, she is a hero and a role model for those who want to drink but not get kicked out of the bar. #TeamLace #NounNotAName