The World’s Hottest Farmer (other than Old McDonald—dude was hot when he was Young McDonald) is back on TV now as the one—the ONLY (this calendar year)—BACHELOR on ABC. So prepare yourself for tears, “I didn’t come here to make friends,” champagne toasts to “happiness” or “love” or other punch words for Hallmark, and roses without any actual thorns. It’s gonna be a long season. Let’s let the forever-smiling host tell you what this season is about…

Chris Harrison (who sounds like he’s working a drive through whorehouse Burger King): We’ve got a virgin who spends the night in the fantasy suite, a wholesome young girl with an X-rated past, two widows who are looking for a second chance at love, and one of the most popular television talk show hosts in America takes a shot at filling in for yours truly.

Once we get past THIS and the fact that either ABC is growing mutant, thornless roses or not paying an intern enough to dethrone normal roses, we can actually enjoy watch the episode, chill out with a glass of wine at our corny party… and take literally everything out of context and put it in a blog.

Here are some of the highlights of real ish people said on The Bachelor Premiere:

Prince Farming: Love is a lot like farming. You plant a seed, you hope it grows, sometimes the weather isn’t always on your side, but with a little bit of luck something beautiful can grow.  (Who barfed right then?)

Prince Farming: This will be the first time that I miss harvest. (I feel this way when I miss breakfast. It SUCKS. Totally relate.)

Britt (free hugs lady): I’m a very touchy person. I’m a feeler, for sure. (She’s also a word-maker-upper)

Amanda (the freeloader):I like not paying bills and I don’t cook and I don’t like cleaning. So, it’s great because my mom does those things. (Mom’s face is like “take this bitch from me please”)

Alissa (the flight attendant who made us all never want to fly): Smoking is prohibited on this aircraft. Hey Chris 😉 (turns out not everyone is into it.)

Prince Farming: Honestly, I feel like this will be just as much work as harvest. #shitfarmerssay  … Probably going to be wishing I was just harvesting corn. (#Corniest thing said on The Bachelor)

Freeloader: Chris is dead sexy. His smile is a panty dropper. (Amanda, your mom asked you not to embarrass her on TV! What would she say….)

 

Reegan (the flesh seller): I kind of have this really fun job where I sell human tissue… I wanted to get you something from the heart. So I got you a heart (her laugh saying it wasn’t real, made me feel like it was in fact someone’s actual heart… perhaps an ex boyfriend?)

Tara (token drunk girl): Jameson on the rocks (I wish I could just shout this, point my finger and make it happen. Girl has style.)

Kaitlyn (foul mouth): I don’t really know you, but I know your name is Chris and I know you’re a farmer, and you can plow the f*ck out of my field any day. … You have a sparkle on your face. WHO IS SHE? (This girl is in competition for the most entertaining girl yet. Keep her, Corn King!)

Foul mouth strikes again: Why did the walrus go to the tupperware party? Because he wanted to find a tight seal.

She’s planning her next dirty joke…

TBH, IDK. There’s so many: So I’m scaling Machu Picchu and I put my hand down on rock and it’s literally a heart. (You’re probs not scaling anything if you got hang time to find rocks of different shapes.)

Freeloader:  Talking to Chris, I think you have to make eye contact with him and you have to be engaging. .. I was just too making google eyes at him and trying to listen. Hopefully I wasn’t just staring at him. (Hey Amanda, you were.)

Someone named Michelle: There are definitely more girls here than there are in Iowa.

Next season on Bachelor House of Horror… can you spy the lurker?

Srsly who are most of these people: It’s like Christmas morning for you except your presents are women. #thingswomenshouldntbeoksaying

Prince Farming: What’s a cat lady? (Clearly doesn’t know his audience)

Prince Farming: I wish I was a polygamist right now.

Ashley S. (onion/pomegranate girl): Are you dying inside? … I literally wrote on my bucket list this new idea about sunflower fields and running through a sunflower field and I wanna ride a horse (AND why did someone cut her off with what was about to be an incredible revelation).

Mackenzie (baby with a baby): Wait what’s alfalfa? Is it organic? (Also thinks life jackets are red.)

Drunkie: My best friends are Jamison, Johnny Walker and Jack Daniels. (We feel ya, Tara)

I fell asleep during the rose ceremony because I got tired of saying wait who is that…

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If you didn’t tweet it, it didn’t happen. #TweetHallOfFame

Oh no, Chris is missing the harvest season for the first time… It better be worth it #TheBachelor

— Rhea Doctor (@rheadoctor) January 6, 2015

Why is there a red carpet? I’m anxiously awaiting all the weirdos looking for love on TV. #TheBachelor #LEGO pic.twitter.com/1MUuDOMdrO

— Lisa Ferreira (@MomOfKai) January 6, 2015

“I wasn’t ready for my life to be broadcast on national tv.” I’m sorry, did you think you were signing up for a local airing? #TheBachelor

— Reindeer Rhiannon (@DefiniteDisney) January 6, 2015

The first limo pulls up to Casa de Estrogen, where, as always, the flagstones are slick with the tears of the rejected. #thebachelor — Jennifer Weiner (@jenniferweiner) January 6, 2015

“Free hug from Britt” everything else is charged by the hour. #TheBachelor

— Dana Weiss (@Possessionista) January 6, 2015

I used to be a normal person, and now i sell cadaver tissue. #TheBachelor

— Natalie Harms (@nataliejharms) January 6, 2015

“omg look at this onion. can i pick it? if that’s a pomegranate, then God bless it” #thebachelor #wut — christen marie (@mcduhhh) January 6, 2015

“Hopefully I’m not just creepily staring at him.” #TheBachelor pic.twitter.com/idZs3ZmM9K

— Amy Odell (@amyodell) January 6, 2015

Keeping it real. pic.twitter.com/rRgcl3dZtu

— VodkaVendettas (@VodkaVendettas) January 6, 2015

 

See y’all next week!