The producers of this season are messing with my scheduling. WHY. Why did we need two nights of The Bachelor this week? Obviously, I was watching another ridiculously long television special—3.5 hours of the SNL 40th anniversary bc Taylor Swift, Emma Stone, Kristen Wiig, need I go on? So, I actually watched all 5 hours of THIS stupid show pretty much in one sitting. Kill me.
But actually, it wasn’t so bad. I managed to accomplish a lot, and so did you probably. Here’s a
comprehensive, well-researched list of why those 5 effing hours weren’t the biggest waste of time:
- I painted my nails. Hated the color, so then I repainted. I could have done this approximately 42 more times.
- Words stopped meaning things to me, because they were so
usedabused by this show. “This is so important to him” and “I can see myself living in Iowa!” stopped be processed as sentences in my mind.
- I learned the geography for Iowa: Arlington is about three and a half hours away from Des Moines and about 7 hours from Chicago. So, 7/10ths and 1 2/5ths of this stupid show. Crucial knowledge for me… a person with no intention to ever step foot in the Midwest, lest it starts turning into candy. That I’d go to see.
- I made some positive decisions about my life. I decided I want: Becca’s chill personality, Kaitlyn’s humor and Britt’s hair…. although I would definitely wash it more. I kind of want nothing of Jade’s. She turned out to be weird, right? NEXT.
- I only contemplated cutting off my ears twice while Whitney spoke. So, kind of an improvement.
- I did a quick ab workout—Britt’s ugly crying is re-god-damn-diculous. IDK why, but it cracks me up more than Jillian’s butt box. There’s just something so satisfying about a gorgeous,
unshoweredgirl with way too much make up losing her shit on national television. I thrive in it.
- I tweeted up a storm (well, actually less than usual, since I was on a delay), but the standard tweeters pulled through. Go follow these people NOW.
- I’m sorry, how did I get this far down this list without mentioning WINE. Oh yeah, a lot was consumed in the FIVE EFFING HOURS that was The Bachelor.
The gang is all here. UGH I WISH THEY STILL HAD THEIR BEAUTIFUL JUICE INSIDE THEM.
- Finally, I’ll end with two words: Girl talk. Five hours offered a lot of cute snaps, white wine toasts to “Men suck,” boy trouble updates, and just generally chit chatting with my best friends. Can’t get better than that.
And on that adorably sweet note, see y’all next week.