I’m realizing that I can’t ever be a true feminist as long as I watch The Bachelorette. Just, like… the two don’t compute. Especially this week 2 of the Kaitlyn season. Eek. I need a hole to put my head in.

It STORMED in Houston during the episode, so I lost some moments of the show to a weatherman feeling way more important than he probably should, but ok. I still caught all the way too aggressive boxing match, super cute underwater photo sesh, hero Amy Schumer segment (that made me want to stop watching this to watch her show, tbh), and the rose ceremony—oh wait, no. They ended the show before Koopah Hulked out on the camera crew, “JUST ASK ME THE QUESTIONS AARRGGHHH.” Ugh, real talk. I wanted to punch this entitled dude. “I flew thousands of miles to be here, so like respek…” He literally said, “I don’t wanna leave. You’re hott.” UGHHHHOAJS:KWE<FFF LWQKE SORRY HAD AN ANEURYSM.

God Bless The Bachelor, though. On one side of the mansion you have a bro Hulking out, and the other you have a hippie kissing leaves. The campaign to get the healer to Ashley S. is in full swing and the two can contemplate metaphysics together forever. I’d watch that show, and probably learn a lot.

That and the fact that Amy Effing Schumer was on the show. So great. That part when that guy talked about licking things and this happened…

Ok, but down to the point of this post. Did you notice the cupcake guy had a nickname? Supposedly they picked them themselves, tweets Chris “Leg Crosser” Harrison.

https://twitter.com/chrisbharrison/status/603009381886664704

The fact is, we all need a little name association. There a FEW of these guys still. Here are some nicknames to keep ’em straight.

For instance…

Chris “Cupcake” is Chris “Hollister Mannequin Turned Dentist”

Clint is Clint “Don’t Use My Conditioner Or ELSE”

Cory is Cory “Can Do Anything And We’ll Love Him Bc From Houston” #Texas

Ian is Ian “No One Hates Me Bc I’m Nice AF”

Jared is Jared “Seneca” I mean….

 

JJ is JJ “Does What He Wants, Bitches”

Joe is Joe “Tennessee”

Kupah is Kupah “Too Much/Aggressive”

Shawn is Shawn “Ryan Gosling”

Tony is Tony “Plant Licker”

Tweets for my homies

Are we sure Tony isn't from Mesa Verde? #TheBachelorette

— Final Rose (@TheFinalRose) May 26, 2015

We all know we never chose koopah in Mario kart, so why start now #bachelorette

— Jaclyn Swartz (@JaclynSwartz) May 26, 2015

Much respect to JJ for him getting off of the island from @Lost_on_ABC . Guy IS Matthew Fox. #TheBachelorette pic.twitter.com/SuNkjz3iN4

— The Bachelor Bros (@bachbros) May 26, 2015

"I want to spend the rest of my life with her" — @amyschumer, re: Kaitlyn. Girl, this is the best offer you'll get, take it! #TheBacheorette

— Kristen Baldwin (@KristenGBaldwin) May 26, 2015

You'd think I'd know, but I have no idea. https://t.co/Pucug0DRAC

— Ashley Iaconetti (@ashleyiaco) May 26, 2015

"He's just lacking personality, and humility. And a sense of humor." @amyschumer on JJ. And every #Thebachelorette contestant ever

— Possessionista (@Possessionista) May 26, 2015