Why 5 Hours of The Bachelor Yesterday Was a Good Thing

The producers of this season are messing with my scheduling. WHY. Why did we need two nights of The Bachelor this week? Obviously, I was watching another ridiculously long television special—3.5 hours of the SNL 40th anniversary bc Taylor Swift, Emma Stone, Kristen Wiig, need I go on? So, I actually watched all 5 hours of THIS stupid show pretty much in one sitting. Kill me.

But actually, it wasn’t so bad. I managed to accomplish a lot, and so did you probably. Here’s a ~~comprehensive, well-researched~~ list of why those 5 effing hours weren’t the biggest waste of time:

I painted my nails. Hated the color, so then I repainted. I could have done this approximately 42 more times.
Words stopped meaning things to me, because they were so ~~used~~ abused by this show. “This is so important to him” and “I can see myself living in Iowa!” stopped be processed as sentences in my mind.
I learned the geography for Iowa: Arlington is about three and a half hours away from Des Moines and about 7 hours from Chicago. So, 7/10ths and 1 2/5ths of this stupid show. Crucial knowledge for me… a person with no intention to ever step foot in the Midwest, lest it starts turning into candy. That I’d go to see.
I made some positive decisions about my life. I decided I want: Becca’s chill personality, Kaitlyn’s humor and Britt’s hair…. although I would definitely wash it more. I kind of want nothing of Jade’s. She turned out to be weird, right? NEXT.
I only contemplated cutting off my ears twice while Whitney spoke. So, kind of an improvement.
I did a quick ab workout—Britt’s ugly crying is re-god-damn-diculous. IDK why, but it cracks me up more than Jillian’s butt box. There’s just something so satisfying about a gorgeous, ~~unshowered~~ girl with way too much make up losing her shit on national television. I thrive in it.
I tweeted up a storm (well, actually less than usual, since I was on a delay), but the standard tweeters pulled through. Go follow these people NOW.

It's weird that Jade says she has a hard time opening up, because, you know… #TheBachelor

— Possessionista (@Possessionista) February 17, 2015

If you get cut on the bachelor, resist the urge to go down the "why doesn't anyone want me" road. #TheBachelor

— Sean Lowe (@SeanLowe09) February 17, 2015

I like jade. Shes completely normal. a touch smarter than most girls since she got paid for those nudes instead of sending them on snapchat.

— Kelly Travis (@kellytravisty) February 17, 2015

I’m sorry, how did I get this far down this list without mentioning WINE. Oh yeah, a lot was consumed in the FIVE EFFING HOURS that was The Bachelor.
The gang is all here. UGH I WISH THEY STILL HAD THEIR BEAUTIFUL JUICE INSIDE THEM.
Finally, I’ll end with two words: Girl talk. Five hours offered a lot of cute snaps, white wine toasts to “Men suck,” boy trouble updates, and just generally chit chatting with my best friends. Can’t get better than that.