So per usual, Bachelor Monday consisted of wine, food and tons of judgement. Since it was “the biggest finale in Bachelor history” and all, what with Prince Farming finally claiming his princess…and kidnapping her and taking her as prisoner to bumfuck Iowa. Just for shits and giggles, my watch party and I locked in our predictions and just let the ish hit the fan.
*All of these were predicted by us and only us pre-decision making. Out of protection on my friends and their identities, all names have been changed completely. Like, don’t even try to figure them out. You won’t.*
Schmatalie: Chris and Chris run off together instead. Together they form the best boy band ever: Chris Squared or ChrisCross or Bach-Street Boys (name still TBD).
DeMayn’da: Drunk student Jordan comes out of the blue and bags the farmer. Britt, who was also planning to do that, cries on screen for 25 minutes—to no one’s surprise.
Candy: Chris picks Whitney, but as they instantly try to procreate like rabbits, they have trouble conceiving. Then, Whitney counsels him and wants to count his sperm and idk what else fertility nurses do. Chris tries to provide a sample…. by looking at Jade’s nude pictures.
Fanastasia: They whole cast comes back. No one cares who “wins.” Everyone just twerks in a dance party started by Ashley S. and Drunk Jordan.
Banannie: Whitney surprises Chris by announcing the baby they made in Chicago on their date at her work is actually theirs. Surprise: you have to marry me now, bitch.
Aunt Marie: Britt, distraught with love and anger, stabs Whitney, but–because she is blinded by her greasy, unwashed hair–accidentally stabs her one true love: Chris. Spoiler: she cries again to no one’s surprise.
Kara: Chris goes off script and chooses the homely intern that looks like a goat because familiar feeling. Like maybe he recreates Equus but as a less hotter Daniel Radcliffe and with a less beautiful hoofed being (i.e. a goat). Shit gets real, y’all. #thatsmymanebitch #imamakeyoubahforit #letsincludethatdonkey
Nerdalie: Chris surprises the girl he picks (COUGH, COUGH: Whitney) after proposes to her by saying: “Surprise! I’m rich AF and I own all of Iowa’s farmland. I don’t live on a farm LOLZ I own this state.” Whitney doesn’t care. She still just wants babies.
Stajj: He just picks whoever says “I love you” loudest, bc he is such a pushover. Obvi, it’s Whitney with her earsplittingly annoying voice.
Chrosten: Whitney appears at the final rose ceremony with a crisp, short Iowa haircut–styled by his sisters, who hovered around her Double Double Boil and Trouble style. Muahahah.
Sadly, we weren’t exactly right. Here’s what actually happened.
- Whitney charms the pants off of Chris’ family. Meanwhile, Becca is just like: “Yo, he’s aight. Not committing to breaking my lease on my apt or quitting my job yet tho.”
- The camera pans to the farm. The landscape parallels Chris’ mind: empty, cold and barren. #metaphorsformywhores
- Everyone is tan as shit during this bitter winter. WTF.
- Whitney pours her heart out to him. Chris, ever the romantic, says in complete monotone: “I.. do.. the… feelings thing..for you.. too.” Words are not the same as sentences, Chris.
- And the first one out of the limo (i.e. the loser) is… Becca. Who when she gets the news looks…….. relieved? A-OK with this situation. I’m sorry, what?! Britt cried more in, like, episode 2 of this season.
- Becca officially is the realest person on this show ever: She told him she didn’t want to marry/move for him and she didn’t cry when a dude she’s been “seeing” for less than 12 weeks didn’t propose. Cheers to Becca for being OK with not marrying a dude she’s dated for less time than I’ve had my Brita filter.
- Whitney puts on Chris’ pants and proposes to him instead–PLOT TWIST.
- But, seriously. Chris needed to pull a Kanye on Whitney who is like just doing so much talking. “Ima let you finish, but yo let’s get married already.”
- Whitney is thrilled. Duh. But, let’s be honest, she is going to need to kiss him more intimately than those little pecks in order to get pregnant. I mean she of all people knows more than just eskimo kisses are required to make a lil farmer.
So, that’s it for the finale, but then on to “After the Final Rose.” Chris H. claims the world can’t decide between dirty, slimy Britt and cool, calm and collected Kaitlyn, which is the most bullshit thing I’ve ever heard. Absolutely no one in their right mind wants balling Britt. So, they just said both of them can be Bachelorettes. So, now even on The Bachelorette, the men get to decide which woman they want to date. The Bachelor franchise just jumped the shark made of roses while feminists picketed this MESSED UP switch up.
Kaitlyn could NOT look less pleased. She has the same face as the people in the second Hunger Games who get told they have to do it again. She’s like, “Wait I already fought this Brittch for a man… Now I have to fight her for like 25?! Can’t a girl get a break.”
This is absolutely unacceptable. I feel motivated to do another blog about how angered I am about this misogynistic bs, but I’ll give you a teaser: If the last decent season in the Bachelor franchise is the one with Chris Soules… the one with the non-humble virgin, the insane, possible husband killer, and the sexism out the wazoo, I will find this Bachelor house, which apparently isn’t hard to stumble into, as we learned from black box Jillian and dumb Meagan, and burn it as a protest against this beyond stupid show.